I'm going to tell you a story.
A story about a girl who's been broken so many times she's afraid to love again.
She's been bullied for 10 years straight and no one did a thing. One time a guy in her 7th period started beating her in front of THE WHOLE Class AND THE TEACHER and nothing was done about it. Someone started a rumor about her last year in 8th grade that she had sex with her boyfriend and that she was pregnant and that's why she had stomach fat. But she was (and still is) a virgin. And other girls that she didn't even know started calling her a whore in crowded hallways and people pointed at her and laughed. Her best friend died of cancer on October 16, 2013 (which was also her friend’s birthday) and her friend's older brother was away in Afghanistan because he's in the Army, two of her other friends killed themselves, In August of 2012 her boyfriend was killed in car accident 2 days before their 2 year anniversary (which was August 21st) after the car he was in with his family was hit by an extremely drunk driver and she never got to say good bye or go to his funeral because they moved to South Dakota the year before. She never thought middle school would be so hard. Guys made her feel special but in the end they only wanted one thing and she wasn't going to do that. People pushed her around and used her. She was sweet and helpful. She always did what she could to help anyone. She started to become depressed in 7th grade after all 10 guys that she liked only dated her because they were either being paid to, dared to, or they only wanted one thing. She started to cut. Then in 8th grade she became suicidal. She kept standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she could take. One day she finally decided that she had had enough and she was going to end it all. She was in her room with a blade and the suicide notes she had written. She forgot to turn her iPod off. She placed the tip of the blade to her wrist. She was holding it vertically. Right as she was about to move the blade down her arm she heard a song that she loved so much. The blade fell out of her hand and onto the floor. She broke down into tears. She continued to live but she mostly stopped talking to guys because she always got rejected. She continued to cut. She's afraid to trust and to fall in love. She’s mostly alone. She doesn't really talk to a lot of people. There are only a few that she really trusts. She shuts out the world a lot. She is the friend that has to walk behind when there isn't enough room on the sidewalk. She's usually not good enough for anyone. She is caring and lovable. She's not usually anyone's first or second choice but when you chose her she'll love you better than anyone ever has or she'll be so much fun to be around. She still cuts. She tries so hard not to. She's really trying so hard to stop. She's waiting for the day when a guy comes along that loves her and actually proves it. Whether it's a simple or little way or a huge display. She wants a guy to love her for who she is and how she is. She wants to change who she is for the better. She wants someone to truly be afraid of losing her. She just wants to be loved. But when she looks around she doesn't see anyone who would.
A story about a girl who's been broken so many times she's afraid to love again.
She's been bullied for 10 years straight and no one did a thing. One time a guy in her 7th period started beating her in front of THE WHOLE Class AND THE TEACHER and nothing was done about it. Someone started a rumor about her last year in 8th grade that she had sex with her boyfriend and that she was pregnant and that's why she had stomach fat. But she was (and still is) a virgin. And other girls that she didn't even know started calling her a whore in crowded hallways and people pointed at her and laughed. Her best friend died of cancer on October 16, 2013 (which was also her friend’s birthday) and her friend's older brother was away in Afghanistan because he's in the Army, two of her other friends killed themselves, In August of 2012 her boyfriend was killed in car accident 2 days before their 2 year anniversary (which was August 21st) after the car he was in with his family was hit by an extremely drunk driver and she never got to say good bye or go to his funeral because they moved to South Dakota the year before. She never thought middle school would be so hard. Guys made her feel special but in the end they only wanted one thing and she wasn't going to do that. People pushed her around and used her. She was sweet and helpful. She always did what she could to help anyone. She started to become depressed in 7th grade after all 10 guys that she liked only dated her because they were either being paid to, dared to, or they only wanted one thing. She started to cut. Then in 8th grade she became suicidal. She kept standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she could take. One day she finally decided that she had had enough and she was going to end it all. She was in her room with a blade and the suicide notes she had written. She forgot to turn her iPod off. She placed the tip of the blade to her wrist. She was holding it vertically. Right as she was about to move the blade down her arm she heard a song that she loved so much. The blade fell out of her hand and onto the floor. She broke down into tears. She continued to live but she mostly stopped talking to guys because she always got rejected. She continued to cut. She's afraid to trust and to fall in love. She’s mostly alone. She doesn't really talk to a lot of people. There are only a few that she really trusts. She shuts out the world a lot. She is the friend that has to walk behind when there isn't enough room on the sidewalk. She's usually not good enough for anyone. She is caring and lovable. She's not usually anyone's first or second choice but when you chose her she'll love you better than anyone ever has or she'll be so much fun to be around. She still cuts. She tries so hard not to. She's really trying so hard to stop. She's waiting for the day when a guy comes along that loves her and actually proves it. Whether it's a simple or little way or a huge display. She wants a guy to love her for who she is and how she is. She wants to change who she is for the better. She wants someone to truly be afraid of losing her. She just wants to be loved. But when she looks around she doesn't see anyone who would.
She is me.
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see.
People underestimate how much self-hatred it takes someone
to drag a blade across your skin or to force yourself to throw up.
"Don’t say you hate your fam-" No.
"Omg you should love your fami-" No.
"Be grateful they’re your famil-" No.
If you have been bullied, hit, teased, put down, hurt, lied to, or hated by your own family; you don’t need to justify how you feel. You don’t need to explain yourself. You are allowed to hate a family member or dislike a family member if they’ve given you a reason to.
"Omg you should love your fami-" No.
"Be grateful they’re your famil-" No.
If you have been bullied, hit, teased, put down, hurt, lied to, or hated by your own family; you don’t need to justify how you feel. You don’t need to explain yourself. You are allowed to hate a family member or dislike a family member if they’ve given you a reason to.
There's constantly a little voice in my head telling me
"you're not skinny enough"
